yup i have come to the same conclusion that most families are def. dysfunctional to some degree yet…..pretending everything's ok so they could seem capable, tough, put-together and to avoid criticism. EVERYONE it seems is afraid of the truth…if only we could all accept that most of us are messed up and need help, we wouldnt have to try and feel superior to others, acting as if we're perfect.
did u know that some species of monkeys are exceedingly hierarchal, petty, vindictive etc…..just like most humans? they operate in that same fake social dance of trying to one-up eachother, and feeling superior to those who are "weaker"…..are we humans not any better than monkeys? we should be at least but we all need to be more conscious and less selfish overall….
i agree that this is all families to one degree or another. but our family took it to extremes. when i finally got to school (a safe haven! somewhat) and other kids would talk about their parents, i would pathologically lie because i couldn't say the truth: "my parents are drug dealers. i spend my time cleaning up cigarette butts and beer bottles from the 20plus customers we get nearly every day, washing dishes and taking care of my infant brother including cooking dinner for him (from 6 yo to 9 yo). my stepfather beats my mother and me severely, to the point where the dishes rattle in the kitchen when they have a fight in the living room. i am slowly being malnourished because of all of the good food being kept in the house in Stepdad's special cabinet that no one else is allowed to touch, combined with my mom being too hyped up on drugs to realize that the kids hadn't eaten that day. they can't get me to school on time because of their irregular hours and lack of making getting me to school an important detail to them, so i can't read because reading is taught first period of school every day." i mean, the lies were much more palatable, but it wasn't like everyone didn't know i was lying. the scary thing is that if i had actually told the truth, i suspect that almost no one would have believed me and everyone would have reinforced the denial. so, i had picked up that everything in our world was wrong, and it couldn't be spoken about truthfully to anyone. and now, when i do tell people about it, they think i am making it up!
My wife's family has the same problem. They couldn't admit that her father was an alcoholic who threw away an entire career, was a serial adulterer, who lied continuously while pretending that he was a genius ( in his own mind). It was only after my wife's mother died that we forced her father to face the truth. My wife's father and I yelled at each other for 10 minutes. And those in 10 minutes I told him everything I knew about him and the torture he put his family through. That changed our relationship forever. No more lies, no more pretending. He lives in the world of the denial. The power of denial is incredible, now that's a topic for a video Daniel !!!
A family of choice is oh so sweet… You have an amazing knack of explaining and talking about family dynamics that really need to be discussed. They really do. Your honesty is so powerfully appealing and so delightful. It's not always easy to share, but it is how we heal. Look after yourself beautiful man.
I was pleasantly surprised to see how much nicer people were in the general world than my family. It was a great relief that life didn't have to be as hard as my family had made it. Only as sick as my secrets, what a great saying Thanks.
My Dad lined us 4 kids up against the wall to shoot us and held a gun pointed at us each in turn, asking who wanted to be shot dead first, I was about 5 or 6, its odd I guess, I never found that traumatic, never thought about talking about it to anyone, I never thought there was anything wrong, it was just something that happened, a year later, my young brother pointed a rifle at me and pulled the trigger, we were just playing cops and robbers, 3 years later mum did shot, dad, he didn't die, but I handed mum the gun… she planned for several days in advance, there was no trauma about any of those times… I never wanted to talk about it not because I was ashamed or felt anyway, I didn't want to talk, because that was just normal stuff, there was nothing to talk about.
My Mother was a revelutionary(prob spelled wrong) She told it like it was as LOUD as she wanted to!! She dnt CARE about the neighbors or ANYONE else hearing ANYTHING!! I get my outspoken ness from her!! My family was quite dysfunctional, the emotional pain i have is tremendous!! Ive had years of therapy and 29 years of Alanon and counting! The reason I'm able to play the Piano with the depth of emotion that i do is layer upon layer of negativity hurt and dysfunction all starting pretty much inutero. I'm a lifer work in progress……. I love your work!!
Thanks Daniel for yet another candid video. I can identify with a lot of what you said – especially the part where you reference having had your spirit taken away 🙁 If I recall correctly, I think you mentioned in one of your previous videos that you have a sister. If this is the case, how did she fare amidst all the family chaos? Was she in any way an ally or did she also play an integral part in making things difficult for you? Did you ever wonder if your familial situation may have been different (better or worse) had you been an only child? I totally respect the fact that this may be too personal an issue for you to answer, so please don’t feel the need to reply if this causes you discomfort in any way. Keep up the good work!
Every family has their own secrets. every person has his or her own ugly secrets. Those people with secrets pretend to be happy, trying their best to fake happinesses. Maybe your families are not ready to face the ugly truth. So when you talk about it in public, they will attack you and isolate you to protect themselves. The reaction is human instinct. Nobody can stop that. As you said, if this makes you happy, then it’s great. Thx for your sharing.
If we ask for help it's to adults who forced themselves are overwhelming oppressors with a open yet called secrets of sapurier behaviours. Untouchable because the amendments against what Abraham Lincoln past after his stand .
we never talked about things happening in my family either and we dont to this day. I now live with my fiance and we tell everything to each other and it is sort of terapudic for me. I confronted my father a couple times about things that happened to me but he barely said anything and he continues to live like nothing never happened. I wonder if people like him are really truly happy in life
I have been very very lucky to know you Daniel. Knowing you is the best thing that has happened in the last decade of my life. I really can't appreciate you enough.
Respect for talking about it. I cen relate to that. I remember that my house and my friend house were disturbed, but we didnt talk about it(we are both ACoA). We were supposed to repeat the same patterns, behave in the same unhealthy way. It was better to became an addict, becouse it served family well, or sick. But to talk about it. We were miserable, depressed, but blamed ourselves. It was pretty sick. One "friend" attacked me for talking bad about my mother. And my brother always is getting angry when I question them. My sister thinks that I am arrogant. And my brother that I am sick, and that I really need this meds that I stopped taking. All the same shit. But they all "love" me at the same time. Sure.
Thank you for sharing your experience. In my family there were no arguments. My parents didn’t ever argue. We were a large family with five children, my maternal grandparents lived with us as well. There was a real lack of communication as we were told to not speak unless we were spoken to. When I was sexually abused, I didn’t say anything. Worse, when I did have a breakdown and I did tell, my mother was shocked and my dad wouldn’t talk with me about it. Two of the abusers were relatives from dads side, the third was a neighbor. My mother asked me, “how could so and so do that?” I cannot imagine how I was expected to remotely answer for an abuser. She did believe me but, was incapable of helping. So, I voluntarily committed myself to the mental health section of a nearby hospital. While there, my mother visited and asked me to repeat the story of my abuse. It was the last time i discussed it with her. Dad never visited or acknowledged my mental breakdown. Mom has passed. To this day, my dad wants to know why I didn’t speak up. How does a four year old talk about sexual abuse? His favorite niece was my abuser at age four. She’s eight years older. Dad still socializes with her. When I have told him how much that hurts me, he yells that I cannot tell him what he can or cannot do. 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️ I have had to set up a barrier between he and I. It is too hurtful and I feel betrayed. I’ve read books on how to keep strong and true to myself. It is still difficult. With the support of my husband and two adult children I move forward as much as I can. Again, thank you for your shared experience. It helps me not feel alone or guilty.
It’s crazy as humans we have made so many technological advancements, yet we all still lack the one true basic skill and that is communication. Through egos and grudges and all kinds of outside manipulations and propaganda we assume so much about one another and lack basic conversation skills and it’s not healthy at all. This texting is good but also very bad because it’s even further diminishing our communicating with one another. We’re all guilty to this and once you realize it truly helps both sides when having rational open minded conversations instead of letting the media and government divide us into all these different groups and then create hostility towards each other, we as humans are better than this. Please be kind and open minded and you will see you and everyone around you will feel better. This is a fast paced dog eat dog world and if you let it, it will consume you and all your being…
Thanks, Daniel for such insightful words, as usual. Did you try to help your parents as a therapist? I think they deserve more help than just a criticism. When I think about my parents in this context, I often think of them as people with more childhood traumas who were caught up in the vicious psychological circle themselves. Our parents need more help to become mindful of their mistakes, but it also takes time and work..
I was raised in a family where we sat around the dinner table and talked about all of the skeletons in the closet! Also, I found that my girl friends were much more open to talking about their families and what was really happening in their families then my boyfriends. Where most of your friends male? I don’t mean to wax stereotypic but I do believe that women tend to bond more deeply with their women friends and discuss these things.
Thank you Daniel. This reminds me of the last contact which I had with my family: An email from my brother which said, "There is something wrong with you Jooly. Never contact me again." and my mother on being told by my husband to leave my house and leave me alone, said "She has problems!". Well, I'm glad to be the 'crazy one'.
No sex in the fam but brutal abuse. I confronted everyone of my abusers and they cower down. Som parents shouldn't have kids. Caution to parents abusing their kids. Wait till they group. Buffed. In a Vendetta kinda mood. Everybody lies.
I'm so glad you opened this up. We had the Golden child and I toughened up. I dipped myself in Leather grew the hair and took on the Jim Morrison persona. I had no idendity. I told my mom she sounded like a pig when she eats. Then went NO CONTACT with my abusers. So parent beware. Your kids will avenge your abuse. Fuckin Narcissist cluster b losers. And be careful about the pitchforks narcissists here. Don't tolerate bullshit. Our parents had a Duty to care and love us. Not beat the shit out of 3 year old kids. And Narcissist moms. MGTOW will take care of her.
Daniel, my niece is expecting her first child who will be born in December. My father and stepmother were massively toxic parents, bordering on psychotic. My half-sister, my pregnant niece's mother, is a full-blown schizophrenic. I have cut off my entire family, except for this niece, whom I met for the first time a year ago. She is a very kind and loving person, and her husband, whom I have never met, also seems like a good dude. A quick google search on "how to be good parents" has produced a long array of cheesy mainstream books which all look fluffy and predictable. Could you recommend a fantastic book on how to be a great, conscious, healthy parent, especially for those of us who are survivors of severe family dysfunction and trauma? Thanks, Daniel.
Hows your sense of humour, I usually get to a point of complaining when I then end up thinking of something I find funny. I dont think its every anything to share as not many people would want to hear it, It wouldnt be the type of situation where I would keep a secret but that people just dont want to hear some things I say. Hence I end up eventually with a false belief that somethings I think might be funny when I dont know if they will ever be because theres not many people to hear it.
I remember my mother bringing up an incident with one of my friends with a kind decent mother who fled from my screaming drunken mother during a sleepover. She called her a primadonna. My only other close childhood friend had a homelife even more horrific than mine so my "mother" didn't bother her. My friend once told me her father was beating her with a belt and I told her that was terrible but never brought it up again.
Thanks Daniel, I just have discovered something new about my family. I love your videos. You make us strongers. You rock. When you say the truth to your parents, it's always the same, you're bipolar or mad. They can't face the truth.
I miss the evil of drinking to much alcehol, wen a angry gosth slips in the drinker and gives him another tongue. The lack of awareness how family's make a mess of their love life because they are unconsiousness beer wine cognac drinkers. And Yes parents ans sisters are afraid of our increasing level of happinez. great video !
The big family secret in my family was that if the government ever found out that I'm not severely retarded, my parents would go to jail for grand freud.
Daniel, your videos speak to me in a way that I am just now beginning to be able to make sense of. I'm almost 28 and I have hitchhiked up part of the west coast of the United States and backpacked through a portion of South America between the ages of 22-26. What you describe in your videos, almost exactly reflects the healing journey I am on when it comes to undoing all these strange expectations and delusions of what social reality appears to be; AKA was shoved down my throat by via an unhealthy environment growing up in suburban America. Being invited into peoples homes and even dating people from other culture opened my mind to the sick and depraved nature of a very distorted and twisted reality that many people never get the chance to step out of. Many people seem drawn to me when I speak openly about my experiences and criticisms of society, from students, co-workers and even professors both younger and even much older than myself. What surprises me is how many people in academic fields, workplaces, management who are considered leaders and authority figures, profess upon things they do not have a well-rounded understanding. So many people in these positions of authority seem to be mired in the traumas of their childhood and are products of an absurd society. It takes a hell of a lot of effort to acknowledge where my own toxic behaviors and ideas stem from, let alone to realize that this makes you vulnerable,to those who are blind to their own faults, and are able to somehow maintain an air of cocksuredness in their expectations of relationships, children, work and politics. I have tried therapy several times with different individuals only to realize, how you mentioned in one of your videos, that many of these people studying to be counselors have never even felt the tidal wave of their own traumas and insecurities. For the longest time I thought that I had a problem empathizing with others, when in reality, I'm starting to think it is more of a deflection and invalidation of how I felt and the role vocalizing my ideas played in making others uncomfortable in their unwillingness to acknowledge the traumas they haven't yet considered for themselves.
I appreciate your content and hope to see much more from you in the future.
Am I the only person left on earth who's parents tried their best, constantly said "we're only human", and who listened to every thing we had to say? R people becoming too hard on people? Absent abuse obviously. Hmmm
What helped me to understand some sick family dynamics was reading about Myers-Briggs personality types. I realized that bad things happen when problematic aspects of personalities are reinforced with some anger after all the traumas those people experienced. It also helped me to understand my own psychological construction as an extreme INFJ (according to MBTI). I.e. some personality types have very low level of emotional intelligence. They act via procedures, not emotions. then may feed you, compliment you, give gift to you, but they will never love you tenderly. They are just cold as ice and completely unaware of all the harm they do to you. They're kind of "emotional daltonists"… they think that all people perceive the world just as they do, so once you don't fit into their schemes, they believe you simply do stuff against them. It's like : "If I don't experience pain in such situation, then why do claim you do?! you lie, it is impossible to suffer in this situation, to such degree! You want to manipulate me, you have a hidden agenda!"
God sure blessed me! My parents have been married for 52 years and I still haven't heard them argue once! Always imagined it would have been the same for me and my ex. However, she came from a sick family and although her mother recognizes it now and has givin wonderful support to me so I can facilitate a good relationship with her and her grandchild since the divorce of her child years ago, knowing that the situation she raised her child in caused many of the problems leading to her child's, (My ex's) actions that led to our current situation, I have purposely chosen to stay single so as not to cause anymore problems for our child as I know my ex is already living in a sick family again and our child has to deal with it now and again. I make sure and give our child the stable home needed.
Having an extended family can help, depending. Both Grandpa Jeff and Uncle Jeff had the license to come down like a ton of bricks during a couple of situations, including getting the law involved, when doing so was vital due to child abuse and neglect. And it helped. Had I not been there, both situations would have been long-term disasters for the children involved. Of course, two of the parents had to wake up and get honest, I was just the catalyst. Sunlight is a great disinfectant.
BTW, are you familiar with the self-help writer Pia Melody? She wrote the book Facing Codependence. You remind me of her.
What a relief, thank you very much Daniel for your openness, honesty and courage to speak up, and help others, is the first time i can relateand feel understood and finally find out that what i was thinking wasn't wrong, Many of your videos made me feel more light and free,
Could you please make a video with the best advice you can give to young people in their 20's? 😊
Very interesting…..You have learned to live in spite of opposition by your own family. I relate, but my progress has been a limited struggle. My need to withdraw has resulted in isolation and minimal sharing of my truths with others. At 60 I have never lived with anyone, nor even a relationship of much significance. I now have doubts I ever will accomplish what I most desire and need, someone. I have done counselling and the result of the last time about 2 yrs ago was to accept my life as it is .I don;t want to settle , this isn't good enough. A very brief story of my unfinished life. Thanks. All best wishes…
When i was 14,my friend came over which was rare because i normally wouldnt invite anyone to the house,on this particular night my parents got into a huge fight (which was the norm) my dad punched my mum in face,at the time we were upstairs listening to my parents going crazy,i decided my friend should leave,we came down stairs terrified,bearing in mind this girl was an only child from a very secure family where arguments were non existant.upon going into the kitchen my dad literally had foam comming from his mouth,and my mum was hanging over the sink with bloody pissing out of her eye,there was blood all over the kitchen floor and a huge hole in the kitchen door.the next day my friend went to school and told everybody,the humiliation of it was awful because now they knew! Needless to say my friend never came to the house again,and she slowly drifted out of my life after that event.
At least you knew your family secrets. My mother hid the fact that our grandfather (her father) was not her real dad, and that my grandmother had a first marriage. My uncle, her younger brother by 8 years, wasn't even told she was only his half sister until someone else in the family accidentally slipped up a couple years ago. If not for him finally finding this out in his 60s, she may have never told us, and took the secret to her grave!!
As an Iranian, I have to say I hear of much more destructive family structures in the west. I myself have never heard my parents scream at eachother or call eachother nasty curse words (worst would be stupid) Biggest things that happened would be a short arguement or worst ones when my dad belittled my mom over some things and she’d cry. I can count with my fingers (maybe one hand) the amount of times I saw that happen. But there are obviously other blockages that still get carried on and passed like doubting, worries, stress, “white lies” etc. I am a successful relationship coach myself (co-creating with my husband) and strongly believe in the power of evolving in loving relationships. They are the foundation for the next generations to come and we are responsible for building healthy and loving relationships with our life-partners. We have never been taught how to have constructive, strong and intimate partnership which has been done purposefully and systematically.
Daniel, I would love to have a cup of my finest tea with you someday.
Thanks for filling me with the gentle glory of understanding that my inner child was right, and she was lied to and sold down the river to serve the delusions of avoidant sickos.
You are correct. I will add, family secrets can really help a disordered step parent and destroy their children and Step children. There are people whose motives are not good at all.
Perhaps it's my age/willingness to open myself to this thought; however, you're the only person in my lifetime that has ever made me feel like it was ok to feel. I admire your ability/willingness/commitment to yourself to confront those aspects of your life that, somehow, you realized were important and that most of us discount and hide from ourselves until it is so overwhelmingly painful we can hardly engage at all. Thank you for your candidness. Thank you for making me feel it is ok to feel. Thank you Dan for being who you are, I am so very greatful.
I love that you're a truth teller. I am too. People hate being around someone who keeps it real but I'm ok with that. When I told my friends about my family baggage they all thought I was the crazy/mean one or that I was making it out to be more than it really was. I think they thought that it wasn't so bad. I was always told by my mom to stop living in the past. The fact is that my friends haven't dealt with their own family issues. They're all in denial. I'm not on Facebook anymore but when I was, I used to watch all of them act like they were all so close and had these great relationships, when in fact they all had family issues too. It was so sickening to watch all the fakeness. Another thing that I noticed was, whenever I posted something fun or positive which I always tried to keep things positive, nobody EVER liked my pictures or my posts. That's when you know you have true haters.
I recall hearing I was mean to my mom. And I know for a fact they had fights with their moms time to time the exact same as me. I didnt judge them. It wasn't fair. You are always this bad person.
Their preoccupation for looking a certain way is sick. I don't get their obsession with fascade. Like who cares. If I'm in a bad marriage it won't be a shock to people ten years later.
Watch John Cassavetes' "A Woman Under the Influence" and you'll see what families can do to people. Like all group formations, families are narcissistic structures based on silenced allegiances and codes; whichever member challenges that silence and divulges it outside the group will soon be labelled as eccentric, strange or downright crazy. Families do that to keep their internal narcissistic cohesion.
Familysecrets don't help the family either. It's all based on fear. It takes courage to become honest and start your healing process. I know all about the rejection and denial and it takes a lot of patience and self-love to become healthy again! (or, actually for the first time after being born, so an actual rebirth!).
I spoke about my parents arguments to a very wise friend right next door, a wonderful smart young lady my same age, around 9 or 10, over 50yrs ago. She said matter-of-factly, "see all those doors on all those houses?" sure, I replied. "Same shit different circumstances going on behind each one" Her insight helped me see things in a different perspective and not internalize their problems, clearly I was not alone in this world. Dysufuctional families are the crux of the problems for so many adults today. Its sad when people live with a fog of shame around them, keeping secrets for no reason whatsoever. Telling the truth not only clears the air allowing us to feel the love and beauty the world has to offer, it clears the way for us to add to it.
To bad that I can't contact you privately. There are things that have never been mentioned on any of my videos. I have a couple of things but not sure how safe it is to take it out of the closet. There is very little that I have not seen or experienced. Since my dad died in April 2013, my mom and i had a lot of talks and their are some things that i understand a bit better now. To bad there is no manual on how to be the perfect parent or child. I want to see the functional family they keep measuring the disfunctional ones against. My parents were perfect whenever one of my friends came over and they usually mended with most of them easily. They didn't see all the fights and confusion. Am curious, are you married now? My other half and I were smart. Choice to have No Kids . I was also told in recovery that We are only as sick as our secrets. Just wish I knew that it would be safe to put them down on here.
I just wonder if anyone arrives to adulthood wondering what the heck happened? Like engaging in self destructive behavior and not have a clue why? Family dynamics keep us in the dark. The thing I could never understand is my family watched me suffer and no one really helped. Just lots of trips to psychiatrists to "fix me."
yup i have come to the same conclusion that most families are def. dysfunctional to some degree yet…..pretending everything's ok so they could seem capable, tough, put-together and to avoid criticism. EVERYONE it seems is afraid of the truth…if only we could all accept that most of us are messed up and need help, we wouldnt have to try and feel superior to others, acting as if we're perfect.
did u know that some species of monkeys are exceedingly hierarchal, petty, vindictive etc…..just like most humans? they operate in that same fake social dance of trying to one-up eachother, and feeling superior to those who are "weaker"…..are we humans not any better than monkeys? we should be at least but we all need to be more conscious and less selfish overall….
The family unit is really the closest thing to a cult in many cases.
Secrets, aka lies. I'm putting this in my dictionary.
i agree that this is all families to one degree or another. but our family took it to extremes. when i finally got to school (a safe haven! somewhat) and other kids would talk about their parents, i would pathologically lie because i couldn't say the truth: "my parents are drug dealers. i spend my time cleaning up cigarette butts and beer bottles from the 20plus customers we get nearly every day, washing dishes and taking care of my infant brother including cooking dinner for him (from 6 yo to 9 yo). my stepfather beats my mother and me severely, to the point where the dishes rattle in the kitchen when they have a fight in the living room. i am slowly being malnourished because of all of the good food being kept in the house in Stepdad's special cabinet that no one else is allowed to touch, combined with my mom being too hyped up on drugs to realize that the kids hadn't eaten that day. they can't get me to school on time because of their irregular hours and lack of making getting me to school an important detail to them, so i can't read because reading is taught first period of school every day." i mean, the lies were much more palatable, but it wasn't like everyone didn't know i was lying. the scary thing is that if i had actually told the truth, i suspect that almost no one would have believed me and everyone would have reinforced the denial. so, i had picked up that everything in our world was wrong, and it couldn't be spoken about truthfully to anyone. and now, when i do tell people about it, they think i am making it up!
I was positioned as the scapegoat for the burden of family secrets.
Straight up truth! Thank you for this!
I wish you were my therapist. Just by listening to your voice I’m feeling better.
My wife's family has the same problem. They couldn't admit that her father was an alcoholic who threw away an entire career, was a serial adulterer, who lied continuously while pretending that he was a genius ( in his own mind). It was only after my wife's mother died that we forced her father to face the truth. My wife's father and I yelled at each other for 10 minutes. And those in 10 minutes I told him everything I knew about him and the torture he put his family through. That changed our relationship forever. No more lies, no more pretending. He lives in the world of the denial. The power of denial is incredible, now that's a topic for a video Daniel !!!
Thank you Daniel!
A family of choice is oh so sweet… You have an amazing knack of explaining and talking about family dynamics that really need to be discussed. They really do. Your honesty is so powerfully appealing and so delightful. It's not always easy to share, but it is how we heal. Look after yourself beautiful man.
It's like families are tiny little North Koreas where you can't speak about them and not try to go that outside of them.
I was pleasantly surprised to see how much nicer people were in the general world than my family. It was a great relief that life didn't have to be as hard as my family had made it. Only as sick as my secrets, what a great saying Thanks.
My Dad lined us 4 kids up against the wall to shoot us and held a gun pointed at us each in turn, asking who wanted to be shot dead first, I was about 5 or 6, its odd I guess, I never found that traumatic, never thought about talking about it to anyone, I never thought there was anything wrong, it was just something that happened, a year later, my young brother pointed a rifle at me and pulled the trigger, we were just playing cops and robbers, 3 years later mum did shot, dad, he didn't die, but I handed mum the gun… she planned for several days in advance, there was no trauma about any of those times… I never wanted to talk about it not because I was ashamed or felt anyway, I didn't want to talk, because that was just normal stuff, there was nothing to talk about.
Thank you for sharing, Daniel.
My Mother was a revelutionary(prob spelled wrong) She told it like it was as LOUD as she wanted to!! She dnt CARE about the neighbors or ANYONE else hearing ANYTHING!! I get my outspoken ness from her!! My family was quite dysfunctional, the emotional pain i have is tremendous!! Ive had years of therapy and 29 years of Alanon and counting! The reason I'm able to play the Piano with the depth of emotion that i do is layer upon layer of negativity hurt and dysfunction all starting pretty much inutero. I'm a lifer work in progress……. I love your work!!
thank you for sharing. its really relatable.
Thanks Daniel for yet another candid video. I can identify with a lot of what you said – especially the part where you reference having had your spirit taken away 🙁 If I recall correctly, I think you mentioned in one of your previous videos that you have a sister. If this is the case, how did she fare amidst all the family chaos? Was she in any way an ally or did she also play an integral part in making things difficult for you? Did you ever wonder if your familial situation may have been different (better or worse) had you been an only child? I totally respect the fact that this may be too personal an issue for you to answer, so please don’t feel the need to reply if this causes you discomfort in any way. Keep up the good work!
Every family has their own secrets. every person has his or her own ugly secrets. Those people with secrets pretend to be happy, trying their best to fake happinesses. Maybe your families are not ready to face the ugly truth. So when you talk about it in public, they will attack you and isolate you to protect themselves. The reaction is human instinct. Nobody can stop that. As you said, if this makes you happy, then it’s great. Thx for your sharing.
I feel you only my race is an open spectacle .
If we ask for help it's to adults who forced themselves are overwhelming oppressors with a open yet called secrets of sapurier behaviours. Untouchable because the amendments against what Abraham Lincoln past after his stand .
we never talked about things happening in my family either and we dont to this day. I now live with my fiance and we tell everything to each other and it is sort of terapudic for me. I confronted my father a couple times about things that happened to me but he barely said anything and he continues to live like nothing never happened. I wonder if people like him are really truly happy in life
This so so introspective and universal.
The biggest alienation is from you true Self…this is so bang on. You are magic.
Thank you, Daniel! 💜
I have been very very lucky to know you Daniel. Knowing you is the best thing that has happened in the last decade of my life. I really can't appreciate you enough.
You explain this very well and also shared insights that I'd never considered before. Thank you for sharing.
Respect for talking about it. I cen relate to that. I remember that my house and my friend house were disturbed, but we didnt talk about it(we are both ACoA). We were supposed to repeat the same patterns, behave in the same unhealthy way. It was better to became an addict, becouse it served family well, or sick. But to talk about it. We were miserable, depressed, but blamed ourselves. It was pretty sick. One "friend" attacked me for talking bad about my mother. And my brother always is getting angry when I question them. My sister thinks that I am arrogant. And my brother that I am sick, and that I really need this meds that I stopped taking. All the same shit. But they all "love" me at the same time. Sure.
All families are cults.
Thank you for sharing your experience. In my family there were no arguments. My parents didn’t ever argue. We were a large family with five children, my maternal grandparents lived with us as well. There was a real lack of communication as we were told to not speak unless we were spoken to. When I was sexually abused, I didn’t say anything. Worse, when I did have a breakdown and I did tell, my mother was shocked and my dad wouldn’t talk with me about it. Two of the abusers were relatives from dads side, the third was a neighbor. My mother asked me, “how could so and so do that?” I cannot imagine how I was expected to remotely answer for an abuser. She did believe me but, was incapable of helping. So, I voluntarily committed myself to the mental health section of a nearby hospital. While there, my mother visited and asked me to repeat the story of my abuse. It was the last time i discussed it with her. Dad never visited or acknowledged my mental breakdown. Mom has passed. To this day, my dad wants to know why I didn’t speak up. How does a four year old talk about sexual abuse? His favorite niece was my abuser at age four. She’s eight years older. Dad still socializes with her. When I have told him how much that hurts me, he yells that I cannot tell him what he can or cannot do. 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️ I have had to set up a barrier between he and I. It is too hurtful and I feel betrayed. I’ve read books on how to keep strong and true to myself. It is still difficult. With the support of my husband and two adult children I move forward as much as I can. Again, thank you for your shared experience. It helps me not feel alone or guilty.
It’s crazy as humans we have made so many technological advancements, yet we all still lack the one true basic skill and that is communication. Through egos and grudges and all kinds of outside manipulations and propaganda we assume so much about one another and lack basic conversation skills and it’s not healthy at all. This texting is good but also very bad because it’s even further diminishing our communicating with one another. We’re all guilty to this and once you realize it truly helps both sides when having rational open minded conversations instead of letting the media and government divide us into all these different groups and then create hostility towards each other, we as humans are better than this. Please be kind and open minded and you will see you and everyone around you will feel better. This is a fast paced dog eat dog world and if you let it, it will consume you and all your being…
Thanks, Daniel for such insightful words, as usual. Did you try to help your parents as a therapist? I think they deserve more help than just a criticism. When I think about my parents in this context, I often think of them as people with more childhood traumas who were caught up in the vicious psychological circle themselves. Our parents need more help to become mindful of their mistakes, but it also takes time and work..
I was raised in a family where we sat around the dinner table and talked about all of the skeletons in the closet! Also, I found that my girl friends were much more open to talking about their families and what was really happening in their families then my boyfriends. Where most of your friends male? I don’t mean to wax stereotypic but I do believe that women tend to bond more deeply with their women friends and discuss these things.
So true and beautifully said Daniel!
Thank you for sharing!
Thank you Daniel. This reminds me of the last contact which I had with my family: An email from my brother which said, "There is something wrong with you Jooly. Never contact me again." and my mother on being told by my husband to leave my house and leave me alone, said "She has problems!". Well, I'm glad to be the 'crazy one'.
My family ganged up on me as well when I discovered spirituality and becoming healthy. I went no contact with them… Sad but healthy
thank you for all your content Daniel
right on brother
Daniel, do you know if your parents or any of your extended family are watching your videos?
Came upon your channel by chance. Love your content
YES! Me too.
No sex in the fam but brutal abuse. I confronted everyone of my abusers and they cower down. Som parents shouldn't have kids. Caution to parents abusing their kids. Wait till they group. Buffed. In a Vendetta kinda mood. Everybody lies.
I'm so glad you opened this up. We had the Golden child and I toughened up. I dipped myself in Leather grew the hair and took on the Jim Morrison persona. I had no idendity. I told my mom she sounded like a pig when she eats. Then went NO CONTACT with my abusers. So parent beware. Your kids will avenge your abuse. Fuckin Narcissist cluster b losers. And be careful about the pitchforks narcissists here. Don't tolerate bullshit. Our parents had a Duty to care and love us. Not beat the shit out of 3 year old kids. And Narcissist moms. MGTOW will take care of her.
❤❤
Not everyone can handle the truth.
I know this was personal. Thank you for sharing Daniel. It was very insightful.
wow, this is powerful. same experience in my life and now my family life
sry, but i just don't believe you were that intelligent or mature aged 5 or 6.
Daniel, my niece is expecting her first child who will be born in December. My father and stepmother were massively toxic parents, bordering on psychotic. My half-sister, my pregnant niece's mother, is a full-blown schizophrenic. I have cut off my entire family, except for this niece, whom I met for the first time a year ago. She is a very kind and loving person, and her husband, whom I have never met, also seems like a good dude. A quick google search on "how to be good parents" has produced a long array of cheesy mainstream books which all look fluffy and predictable. Could you recommend a fantastic book on how to be a great, conscious, healthy parent, especially for those of us who are survivors of severe family dysfunction and trauma? Thanks, Daniel.
Hows your sense of humour, I usually get to a point of complaining when I then end up thinking of something I find funny. I dont think its every anything to share as not many people would want to hear it, It wouldnt be the type of situation where I would keep a secret but that people just dont want to hear some things I say. Hence I end up eventually with a false belief that somethings I think might be funny when I dont know if they will ever be because theres not many people to hear it.
I remember my mother bringing up an incident with one of my friends with a kind decent mother who fled from my screaming drunken mother during a sleepover. She called her a primadonna. My only other close childhood friend had a homelife even more horrific than mine so my "mother" didn't bother her. My friend once told me her father was beating her with a belt and I told her that was terrible but never brought it up again.
yes a state if shock is the least of it
also terrified
Daniel, this video speaks for many of us suffering in our paths, its exaftly what i needed. You are such an honest person! Thank you for sharing!
Thanks Daniel, I just have discovered something new about my family. I love your videos. You make us strongers. You rock. When you say the truth to your parents, it's always the same, you're bipolar or mad. They can't face the truth.
I miss the evil of drinking to much alcehol, wen a angry gosth slips in the drinker and gives him another tongue. The lack of awareness how family's make a mess of their love life because they are unconsiousness beer wine cognac drinkers. And Yes parents ans sisters are afraid of our increasing level of happinez. great video !
The simplest answer to avoid childhood trauma is to not reproduce…
"they don't like me becoming healthy"
I can relate to this, I wish my family would get healthy themselves too.
Whose parents didn't fight? Lol
Many thanks for some realisations.
Thank you for talking about these things. Time to break the silence.
The big family secret in my family was that if the government ever found out that I'm not severely retarded, my parents would go to jail for grand freud.
Daniel,
your videos speak to me in a way that I am just now beginning to be able to make sense of. I'm almost 28 and I have hitchhiked up part of the west coast of the United States and backpacked through a portion of South America between the ages of 22-26. What you describe in your videos, almost exactly reflects the healing journey I am on when it comes to undoing all these strange expectations and delusions of what social reality appears to be; AKA was shoved down my throat by via an unhealthy environment growing up in suburban America. Being invited into peoples homes and even dating people from other culture opened my mind to the sick and depraved nature of a very distorted and twisted reality that many people never get the chance to step out of. Many people seem drawn to me when I speak openly about my experiences and criticisms of society, from students, co-workers and even professors both younger and even much older than myself. What surprises me is how many people in academic fields, workplaces, management who are considered leaders and authority figures, profess upon things they do not have a well-rounded understanding. So many people in these positions of authority seem to be mired in the traumas of their childhood and are products of an absurd society. It takes a hell of a lot of effort to acknowledge where my own toxic behaviors and ideas stem from, let alone to realize that this makes you vulnerable,to those who are blind to their own faults, and are able to somehow maintain an air of cocksuredness in their expectations of relationships, children, work and politics. I have tried therapy several times with different individuals only to realize, how you mentioned in one of your videos, that many of these people studying to be counselors have never even felt the tidal wave of their own traumas and insecurities. For the longest time I thought that I had a problem empathizing with others, when in reality, I'm starting to think it is more of a deflection and invalidation of how I felt and the role vocalizing my ideas played in making others uncomfortable in their unwillingness to acknowledge the traumas they haven't yet considered for themselves.
I appreciate your content and hope to see much more from you in the future.
Much Love,
SMS
Am I the only person left on earth who's parents tried their best, constantly said "we're only human", and who listened to every thing we had to say? R people becoming too hard on people? Absent abuse obviously. Hmmm
100% truth!
What helped me to understand some sick family dynamics was reading about Myers-Briggs personality types. I realized that bad things happen when problematic aspects of personalities are reinforced with some anger after all the traumas those people experienced. It also helped me to understand my own psychological construction as an extreme INFJ (according to MBTI). I.e. some personality types have very low level of emotional intelligence. They act via procedures, not emotions. then may feed you, compliment you, give gift to you, but they will never love you tenderly. They are just cold as ice and completely unaware of all the harm they do to you. They're kind of "emotional daltonists"… they think that all people perceive the world just as they do, so once you don't fit into their schemes, they believe you simply do stuff against them. It's like : "If I don't experience pain in such situation, then why do claim you do?! you lie, it is impossible to suffer in this situation, to such degree! You want to manipulate me, you have a hidden agenda!"
God sure blessed me! My parents have been married for 52 years and I still haven't heard them argue once! Always imagined it would have been the same for me and my ex. However, she came from a sick family and although her mother recognizes it now and has givin wonderful support to me so I can facilitate a good relationship with her and her grandchild since the divorce of her child years ago, knowing that the situation she raised her child in caused many of the problems leading to her child's, (My ex's) actions that led to our current situation, I have purposely chosen to stay single so as not to cause anymore problems for our child as I know my ex is already living in a sick family again and our child has to deal with it now and again. I make sure and give our child the stable home needed.
I know where you are coming from Daniel. I came from the same background.
Thanks. Very helpful.
I can relate to that 🙏🏼💚
Having an extended family can help, depending. Both Grandpa Jeff and Uncle Jeff had the license to come down like a ton of bricks during a couple of situations, including getting the law involved, when doing so was vital due to child abuse and neglect. And it helped. Had I not been there, both situations would have been long-term disasters for the children involved. Of course, two of the parents had to wake up and get honest, I was just the catalyst. Sunlight is a great disinfectant.
BTW, are you familiar with the self-help writer Pia Melody? She wrote the book Facing Codependence. You remind me of her.
Stormy Z
Thank you. Daniel is the only person (professional or otherwise) who validates my feelings.
Give people a chance.
If they screw with you, dump them.
If they cooperate, reciprocate.
Family, or not.
What a relief, thank you very much Daniel for your openness, honesty and courage to speak up, and help others, is the first time i can relateand feel understood and finally find out that what i was thinking wasn't wrong,
Many of your videos made me feel more light and free,
Could you please make a video with the best advice you can give to young people in their 20's? 😊
Thank you 😊
As a society we are slowly working our way towards health, emotional, physical, all sorts of health.
Societal Taboos? Biblical Taboos?
Thank you; I completely identify
i know your hurting but Jesus can heal you and your family …he is amazing ! plz trust me ….he has healed my family
Such a GREAT video. Story of my life.
You are fabulous! Courageously, sharing the truth is sacred.
Thank you for this, I can relate SO MUCH.
I was watching in and saying "YES, EXACTLY". Love you work!
Very interesting…..You have learned to live in spite of opposition by your own family. I relate, but my progress has been a limited struggle. My need to withdraw has resulted in isolation and minimal sharing of my truths with others. At 60 I have never lived with anyone, nor even a relationship of much significance. I now have doubts I ever will accomplish what I most desire and need, someone. I have done counselling and the result of the last time about 2 yrs ago was to accept my life as it is .I don;t want to settle , this isn't good enough. A very brief story of my unfinished life. Thanks. All best wishes…
When i was 14,my friend came over which was rare because i normally wouldnt invite anyone to the house,on this particular night my parents got into a huge fight (which was the norm) my dad punched my mum in face,at the time we were upstairs listening to my parents going crazy,i decided my friend should leave,we came down stairs terrified,bearing in mind this girl was an only child from a very secure family where arguments were non existant.upon going into the kitchen my dad literally had foam comming from his mouth,and my mum was hanging over the sink with bloody pissing out of her eye,there was blood all over the kitchen floor and a huge hole in the kitchen door.the next day my friend went to school and told everybody,the humiliation of it was awful because now they knew! Needless to say my friend never came to the house again,and she slowly drifted out of my life after that event.
At least you knew your family secrets.
My mother hid the fact that our grandfather (her father) was not her real dad, and that my grandmother had a first marriage.
My uncle, her younger brother by 8 years, wasn't even told she was only his half sister until someone else in the family accidentally slipped up a couple years ago. If not for him finally finding this out in his 60s, she may have never told us, and took the secret to her grave!!
As an Iranian, I have to say I hear of much more destructive family structures in the west. I myself have never heard my parents scream at eachother or call eachother nasty curse words (worst would be stupid) Biggest things that happened would be a short arguement or worst ones when my dad belittled my mom over some things and she’d cry. I can count with my fingers (maybe one hand) the amount of times I saw that happen. But there are obviously other blockages that still get carried on and passed like doubting, worries, stress, “white lies” etc. I am a successful relationship coach myself (co-creating with my husband) and strongly believe in the power of evolving in loving relationships. They are the foundation for the next generations to come and we are responsible for building healthy and loving relationships with our life-partners. We have never been taught how to have constructive, strong and intimate partnership which has been done purposefully and systematically.
Daniel, I would love to have a cup of my finest tea with you someday.
Thanks for filling me with the gentle glory of understanding that my inner child was right, and she was lied to and sold down the river to serve the delusions of avoidant sickos.
You Rock!
You are correct. I will add, family secrets can really help a disordered step parent and destroy their children and Step children. There are people whose motives are not good at all.
Perhaps it's my age/willingness to open myself to this thought; however, you're the only person in my lifetime that has ever made me feel like it was ok to feel. I admire your ability/willingness/commitment to yourself to confront those aspects of your life that, somehow, you realized were important and that most of us discount and hide from ourselves until it is so overwhelmingly painful we can hardly engage at all. Thank you for your candidness. Thank you for making me feel it is ok to feel. Thank you Dan for being who you are, I am so very greatful.
I love that you're a truth teller. I am too. People hate being around someone who keeps it real but I'm ok with that. When I told my friends about my family baggage they all thought I was the crazy/mean one or that I was making it out to be more than it really was. I think they thought that it wasn't so bad. I was always told by my mom to stop living in the past. The fact is that my friends haven't dealt with their own family issues. They're all in denial. I'm not on Facebook anymore but when I was, I used to watch all of them act like they were all so close and had these great relationships, when in fact they all had family issues too. It was so sickening to watch all the fakeness. Another thing that I noticed was, whenever I posted something fun or positive which I always tried to keep things positive, nobody EVER liked my pictures or my posts. That's when you know you have true haters.
I really like you. It does take time to undo, the doing. F love that hurts. I’m so proud of you.
The super ego starts speaking in the first person.
omg daniel you are telling my story almost exactly… geesshhh. !!!!
i hate living in the past yet my family won’t let things go ( they just need to confirm that i am lying about their abuse )
yes “they” do want to kill us – they are jealous
I recall hearing I was mean to my mom. And I know for a fact they had fights with their moms time to time the exact same as me. I didnt judge them. It wasn't fair. You are always this bad person.
Their preoccupation for looking a certain way is sick. I don't get their obsession with fascade. Like who cares. If I'm in a bad marriage it won't be a shock to people ten years later.
Watch John Cassavetes' "A Woman Under the Influence" and you'll see what families can do to people.
Like all group formations, families are narcissistic structures based on silenced allegiances and codes; whichever member challenges that silence and divulges it outside the group will soon be labelled as eccentric, strange or downright crazy. Families do that to keep their internal narcissistic cohesion.
Familysecrets don't help the family either. It's all based on fear. It takes courage to become honest and start your healing process. I know all about the rejection and denial and it takes a lot of patience and self-love to become healthy again! (or, actually for the first time after being born, so an actual rebirth!).
You are an amazing guy, insightful well read genuine self reflective, handsome and refreshingly authentic in a fake world. Thank you for your videos.
I spoke about my parents arguments to a very wise friend right next door, a wonderful smart young lady my same age, around 9 or 10, over 50yrs ago. She said matter-of-factly, "see all those doors on all those houses?" sure, I replied. "Same shit different circumstances going on behind each one" Her insight helped me see things in a different perspective and not internalize their problems, clearly I was not alone in this world. Dysufuctional families are the crux of the problems for so many adults today. Its sad when people live with a fog of shame around them, keeping secrets for no reason whatsoever. Telling the truth not only clears the air allowing us to feel the love and beauty the world has to offer, it clears the way for us to add to it.
To bad that I can't contact you privately. There are things that have never been mentioned on any of my videos. I have a couple of things but not sure how safe it is to take it out of the closet. There is very little that I have not seen or experienced. Since my dad died in April 2013, my mom and i had a lot of talks and their are some things that i understand a bit better now. To bad there is no manual on how to be the perfect parent or child. I want to see the functional family they keep measuring the disfunctional ones against. My parents were perfect whenever one of my friends came over and they usually mended with most of them easily. They didn't see all the fights and confusion. Am curious, are you married now? My other half and I were smart. Choice to have No Kids . I was also told in recovery that We are only as sick as our secrets. Just wish I knew that it would be safe to put them down on here.
I just wonder if anyone arrives to adulthood wondering what the heck happened? Like engaging in self destructive behavior and not have a clue why? Family dynamics keep us in the dark. The thing I could never understand is my family watched me suffer and no one really helped. Just lots of trips to psychiatrists to "fix me."
Who else wants to go out and get a coffee with Daniel and just talk about anything? I feel like binge watching his channel.