We were deciding if this shirt
is gray or blue or wildflower. -It’s blue. -Blue.
-Blue, you think? -Blue, yeah. What do you– What’d you say? I said, like, a made-up name. -Elderberry?
-I said, like, cornflower? -Cornwall? Cornflower?
-Yeah. Cornflower. -Okay, great. I said yes.
-‘Kay. I’ll be… -David, David, next to your eyes,
are anything blue? Oh, yeah. My–
It’s supposed to make– it’s supposed to make ’em pop.
It’s not working. Okay. Uh, a new survey found
that, instead of– Don’t cut that out. I like
that talk about the shirt. Don’t cut it. -It’s…. -We need
more shirt talk on the show. You know what,
it’s very authentic. -It’s riveting.
-It is. It’s very– It has
a good podcast feel to it. Uh…
(chuckles) A new survey found that,
instead of going with more traditional names– you didn’t have to tell me
a survey, I know this– parents are making up names
for their dumb babies. Uh, so be prepared
for less Kimberlys and more TikTashas. Yeah, I– We made that one up. But these are just a taste
of the names out there. I thought that said “Faelacia.” -That’s a bad one.
-RAY: Yeah. There’s Cedar.
I get it. Kind of. -Tes…
-Tessadora. -SPADE: Tessadora? Eh, okay.
-RAY: Well… SPADE: Maeverly?
I– That’s kind of good. Maeverly, right?
Is it dumb? -Yeah.
-Yeah, they’re all dumb. What about people that–
There-There’s always, like, people that like to sound rich,
like Gucci, Chanel, Mercedes. My brother Mazda was saying
yesterday that… My mom kept it realistic.
You know, my sister Costco. Yeah, what happened to the…
(chuckles) what happened to the days
when, uh… when, you know, dog names were
weird and kid names were normal? Now we’re flopping. Now you’d be
at a park and they’re like, “Meet our dog, Carl.
He’s great with our kids, Bird Fart and Hulu Plus.”
You know? -Hulu Plus. That’s a name?
-Right. Yeah. Here’s the thing.
When African Americans create a new name,
they are throwing off centuries of colonialism. When white people do it, it’s like Iggy Azalea rapping. It’s like, know your place. -That’s true. Who are…
-I just think the foolproof way to name a baby -is to name it
after a dead relative. -Yeah. Because then you’re like,
“This is Harold.” And people are like, “Ooh.” And
it’s like, “He was a veteran!” (laughing) He was. -Very snappy.
-Don’t forget that. -(applause)
-Like… -I also think… you know, there’s– sometimes
people do this to avoid, you know, kids getting,
uh, uh, teased, by making up your own name.
‘Cause, like, you know, my name’s Adam. Like,
growing up, I got names like, you know, Adam Fat-am
and, like, Jell-O Jiggler, Penis and Tits Kid. Uh… Uh, Sit– You know,
One-One Parent Adam. You know? And that was
just at home, you know? -And, uh…
-Adam. -Too much?
-My name is Guy, and I was a clearly gay
fourth grader, okay? I think I had it worse. -SPADE: Yeah, that’s true.
-Um… But, no, the thing is,
as somebody named Guy, I don’t have a problem with
people putting some imagination into naming their children,
since my parents -essentially named me
That Baby. -Yeah. -Because…
-Is that a backup? Yeah, your name’s Person. Um, one of our writers, who– -uh, panelists, you guys know
Sarah Tiana– -RAY: Yeah. -she had her baby yesterday.
-Adorable. -(cheering and applause)
-So cute. And so we gave her
almost 24 hours off and we asked her to call in now
from the hospital, ’cause it’s work. Sarah. -Yeah!
-(cheering and applause) Sarah! -Yes!
-Shakes her… -(cheering)
-Oh… my… God. -That is…
-SPADE: Aw! So cute! Aw, Sarah, that’s so cute. You did
exactly what we told you. Um, so what’s your take on this? You’re a new parent. Um, first of all,
thanks for talking about your shirt
for five minutes -while I have a 31-hour-old
baby. -Oh, she’s waiting. Is that why he’s sleeping? Take your sweet, goddamn time. (laughing) Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah, you’re
on oxy fentanyl right now. -Uh, you-you named your baby
Cage, right? -Yeah. Um… -Yeah, we named him Cage. Yeah.
-That’s kind of cool though. -Was that short for Cage-Free?
-Well, we named him… (laughing) We named him because of an SNL
sketch that Nicolas Cage did. No way. -Was I in it?
-About baby names. -Oh, really?
-No, you weren’t in it. -That’s why we liked it. Yeah.
-(laughter) -Sarah, that’s enough!
-(applause and cheering) Burnt. Burn, dude. Yeah, you get one freebie. So, little Octagon… What is his name? Cage?
Can we, uh…? Can we start beating him up now or when we get the greenlight
on that? Yeah. He was ten pounds, so he
did a lot of beating up already. (laughter) -He fought his way out?
-Yeah. My… My vagina’s gonna play the attic
in a Jojo Rabbit sequel. (laughter,
applause and cheering) MAN:
Yeah! -Ha, ha!
-Ah. Well, I hate to say,
the kid looks super cute. -Thank you. -And I guess
we’ll see you at work tomorrow. -Um… -Yeah.
-(laughter) Thank you for calling in.
We appreciate it. -Bye, Sarah. -We love you.
-(whooping) -Bye. Thank you guys. Love you
all. Bye. -(applause, cheering) Cage has his SAG card already. -Oh, that’s good.
-Isn’t that cute? -I love it.
-So cute. -Little hat. Rrr.
-RAY: Like a rat. Uh, I didn’t like the one thing
she said about me. -Um…
-(laughter) In fairness, I started it. Um, doctors say
a woman in Pennsylvania has an incredibly rare
medical condition where her bladder naturally
brews and ferments alcohol. Puke. Which is a polite way
of saying, she pees booze. Do we need to be that close up
on the pee thing? Um, Megan, you’re usually drunk.
What do you think…? -(laughter)
-I mean I hope you are. RAY:
Yeah. Come on. The way you act. I mean… (laughter) -What do you think, hon?
-I’m… I’m a high-functioning drunk. Uh… I just…
I don’t know. They say, like, most of the
month, it tastes like whiskey, but then four days of the month,
it’s a Bloody Mary. -SPADE: Megan!
-(groaning) Check. Easy. I put that together -in my head, and I did not like
what happened. -BRANUM: David? -SPADE: Yeah. -David,
I’m Jewish, so I’m not clear. Is this how Jesus turned water
into wine? (laughter) I don’t think… Well… Little murky, still
the facts on that one. -Ah.
-She pees beer. She’s literally the coronavirus. -(audience groaning)
-No. Not funny anymore. The…
Today’s the day we’re deciding -it’s not fun to make fun of it.
-RAY: Oh. Boo. -No, it’s too real.
-Boo. We’re getting…
I’m getting scared. -Where’s your mask?
-She also lives in rural -Pennsylvania.
-SPADE: Yes. And I feel like this trick will
really come in handy there. -You know? It’s… -RAY:
I think she would kill it… I think she would kill it
as a bartender till you walk… You’re like, “My buddy’s
gonna have a Blue Moon, -and I’ll have a Diane?”
-(laughter) No, like… like
this is the perfect thing. It’s a white lady
who makes her own chardonnay. Like, it’s a one-woman
Real Housewives show. -(applause)
-You know… -Need more of that. There are women that actually can shit cocaine. They’re called “drug mules.”
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